(Paul Kaufman gets Crass with a Beatle’s musical legacy.)
On Saturday, John Lennon would have been 70 years old. Hard to fathom for someone who personified youthfulness; I felt the same way when this occasion passed for John Kennedy back in the ’80s.
These days, everything in this country is FOR $ALE, including democracy itself. So I’m afraid the most likely scenario I imagine had he lived is a barrage of advertisements, ready to ride the huge demographic wave of baby-boomer retirees:
“Picture yourself taking some Metamucil…”
“Well, you should see Polygrip Pam…”
“Viagra, yeah, yeah, yeah … Viagra, yeah, yeah, yeah … And with a pill like this, you know you should be glad … ”
At that point I can see a tanned and muscular Iggy Pop chiming in with his own-
“…Now I’m ready to wear Depends/In the seniors’ home with all my friends!”
We’ll really know the apocalypse has come if we hear a Coca-Cola-sweetened version of a Crass tune waft from the car radio:
“Do you really believe in Pepsi? Pepsi sucks!”
OK, gang, let ‘er rip … I’m sure you can come up with some better ones.
— Paul Kaufman
More by Paul Kaufman:
- Seen any good shows? Pavement
- Father’s Day: Past present and future
- Songs for the DIYper set
- Songs that were separated at birth?
- Seen any good shows lately?
- ‘Sesame Street’: Forty years ago today …
- Beatles: Rock Band … The missing buttons
- Nostradamus I’m Not Part 3: Punk rock sweeps America!
- Nostradamus I’m Not Part 2: The Cold War
- Nostradamus I’m Not Part 1: The Final Frontier
- Sucking in the ’60s
- London Calling
- El sabor de San Diego
“Lipitor, Cialis and Diastat”!
“Dig a Prostate”
“You’ve Got to Hide Your Gut Away”
“Jell-O Guy”
Or the blues tinged “This Early Bird Special Has Flown”
Ah…regrets.
“Creamed turkey … Won’t make me … Get the runs!”
>Or the blues tinged “This Early Bird Special Has Flown”
After which…
“I once took a Tums, or should I say, I once took three…”
“All You Need Is Levitra”
“Everybody’s talkin’ bout bagism, viagra-ism…”
— lyrics from ‘Give Your P**** A Chance’
“If I Fell” — Life Alert Medical Response
“One After 401K”
“Dear Prune Juice”
“Fixin’ a hole in your colon … Tryin’ to replace a joint, yeah … Looking through a glass bunion!”
“All Your Knees Need Love”
I can’t hear what She Said She Said.
In an octogenerian garden
in the shade
You guy’s are killin’ me!
“How Do You Seep?” … For urinary incontinence.
http://www.insideline.com/car-news/iggy-pop-insurance-advertising-marriage-made-in-heaven.html
http://spinner.aol.com/photos/caribbean-cruise-commercial-song-iggy-pop
This sort of thing undermines sarcasm as an art form.
I don’t think I can make anything up that rivals reality:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19872237/
Wow, Robin, you’re right- reality triumphs with diapers! Next up should be: “I stay dry with a little help from Depends”
why don’t we do it in the road
she was just 70 and you know what I mean and the way she looked was way beyond health care, how could I dance with another, when I am stuck in this wheelchair?
“Jesus was alright, but his disciples were thick and ordinary.”
This is a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.
Automobile collision insurance? “Instant Karma’s Gonna’ Get You…”
I also heard “TV Eye” used as the back music for something impossibly inane -- like the Nissan Xterra, or something. Snarf.
I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical about this at first, but this has turned into one of the funniest, most clever threads in a long while. Great puns, all around from Matt,Dave Flem, Jerry and Lou Skum, Paul, Lou, and clean up hitter Eric Bacher.
Sheldon’s was alright, but its milkshakes were thick and creamy.
https://cheunderground.site/?p=280
I hurt my leg, man (Woo!) … They hurt their legs, man (Woo!) … I use a walker — goo goo g’joob!
Well, I thought the Velvet Underground really hit a low with:
-- I’m Waiting For My Mac
But Iggy’s really sold out, especially his recent hits:
-- Gmail Me Danger Little Stranger
-- She’s Got A TV IPhone on Me
-- I Got A Lust for Life Magazine
And that jingle for Oscar Meyer:
-- I Wanna Be Your Hot Dog
last year i was 101 didnt have a whole lotta fun
Good one, Lou!
Next year I’ll be one-oh-two,
Who am I, and who are you?
I can’t get no love, I cant reach satisfaction…..
I only crave, the little blue pills’ reaction.
Cholesterol risin’,
LDL’s high,
Can’t eat no egg yolks,
Can’t eat no pie
Takin’ my Crestor ®,
Beatin’ it back,
AstraZeneca helped me
Cut arterial plaque!
BTW, has anyone tried the new Working Class Hero ® from Subway??
It’s something to see….(and, BTW, how do you get that little R in the circle??)
>>BTW, how do you get that little R in the circle??
I copied and pasted from the Web! Beats having to remember all those keyboard combos …
I don’t believe in iPod,
I don’t believe in Gaga,
I don’t believe in Bieber,
I don’t believe in cell phones,
I don’t believe in broadband,
I don’t believe in hybrids,
I don’t believe in wasabi,
I don’t believe in baby lettuce,
I don’t believe in espresso drinks,
I don’t believe in YouTube,
I don’t believe in the 21st century …
Just believe in me … And the AARP … And that’s reality.
There’s a Staaaaarbucks, waiting in the sky!
they like to serve you coffee that they think will blow your mind!
“Lust for Life” as a commercial for a cruise ship just made me laugh right out loud when I saw it on TV. Good for Iggy though, he hasn’t really had too many big paydays considering the impact he and his cohorts had on modern music.
Reprinted without permission, edited for repetition.
Here comes Johnny Yen again
With the liquor and drugs
And a flesh machine
He’s gonna do another strip tease
Hey man, where’d you get that lotion?
I’ve been hurting since I bought the gimmick
About something called love
Yeah, something called love
Well, that’s like hypnotising chickens
Well, I’m just a modern guy
Of course, I’ve had it in the ear before
‘Cause of a lust for life
‘Cause of a lust for life
I’m worth a million in prizes
With my torture film
Drive a G.T.O.
Wear a uniform
All on government loan
I’m worth a million in prizes
Yeah, I’m through with sleeping on the sidewalk
No more beating my brains
No more beating my brains
With the liquor and drugs
With the liquor and drugs
Hey man, where’d ya get that lotion?
Your skin starts itching once you buy the gimmick
About something called love
Oh Love, love, love
Well, that’s like hypnotising chickens.
oh show me the way to the next 99 cent store
oh dont ask why
oh dont ask why
“All you need are gums” … For denture cream.