It was 70 years ago today …

(Paul Kaufman gets Crass with a Beatle’s musical legacy.)

On Saturday, John Lennon would have been 70 years old. Hard to fathom for someone who personified youthfulness; I felt the same way when this occasion passed for John Kennedy back in the ’80s.

These days, everything in this country is FOR $ALE, including democracy itself. So I’m afraid the most likely scenario I imagine had he lived is a barrage of advertisements, ready to ride the huge demographic wave of baby-boomer retirees:

“Picture yourself taking some Metamucil…”

“Well, you should see Polygrip Pam…”

“Viagra, yeah, yeah, yeah … Viagra, yeah, yeah, yeah … And with a pill like this, you know you should be glad … ”

At that point I can see a tanned and muscular Iggy Pop chiming in with his own-

“…Now I’m ready to wear Depends/In the seniors’ home with all my friends!”

We’ll really know the apocalypse has come if we hear a Coca-Cola-sweetened version of a Crass tune waft from the car radio:

“Do you really believe in Pepsi? Pepsi sucks!”

OK, gang, let ‘er rip … I’m sure you can come up with some better ones.

— Paul Kaufman

More by Paul Kaufman:

40 thoughts on “It was 70 years ago today …

  1. >Or the blues tinged “This Early Bird Special Has Flown”

    After which…
    “I once took a Tums, or should I say, I once took three…”

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  2. “All You Need Is Levitra”

    “Everybody’s talkin’ bout bagism, viagra-ism…”
    — lyrics from ‘Give Your P**** A Chance’

    “If I Fell” — Life Alert Medical Response

    “One After 401K”

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  3. Wow, Robin, you’re right- reality triumphs with diapers! Next up should be: “I stay dry with a little help from Depends”

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  4. she was just 70 and you know what I mean and the way she looked was way beyond health care, how could I dance with another, when I am stuck in this wheelchair?

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  5. “Jesus was alright, but his disciples were thick and ordinary.”
    This is a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.

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  6. I also heard “TV Eye” used as the back music for something impossibly inane -- like the Nissan Xterra, or something. Snarf.

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  7. I’ll admit, I was a little skeptical about this at first, but this has turned into one of the funniest, most clever threads in a long while. Great puns, all around from Matt,Dave Flem, Jerry and Lou Skum, Paul, Lou, and clean up hitter Eric Bacher.

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  8. Well, I thought the Velvet Underground really hit a low with:

    -- I’m Waiting For My Mac

    But Iggy’s really sold out, especially his recent hits:

    -- Gmail Me Danger Little Stranger
    -- She’s Got A TV IPhone on Me
    -- I Got A Lust for Life Magazine

    And that jingle for Oscar Meyer:

    -- I Wanna Be Your Hot Dog

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  9. I don’t believe in iPod,
    I don’t believe in Gaga,
    I don’t believe in Bieber,
    I don’t believe in cell phones,
    I don’t believe in broadband,
    I don’t believe in hybrids,
    I don’t believe in wasabi,
    I don’t believe in baby lettuce,
    I don’t believe in espresso drinks,
    I don’t believe in YouTube,
    I don’t believe in the 21st century …

    Just believe in me … And the AARP … And that’s reality.

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  10. There’s a Staaaaarbucks, waiting in the sky!
    they like to serve you coffee that they think will blow your mind!

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  11. “Lust for Life” as a commercial for a cruise ship just made me laugh right out loud when I saw it on TV. Good for Iggy though, he hasn’t really had too many big paydays considering the impact he and his cohorts had on modern music.

    Reprinted without permission, edited for repetition.

    Here comes Johnny Yen again
    With the liquor and drugs
    And a flesh machine
    He’s gonna do another strip tease

    Hey man, where’d you get that lotion?
    I’ve been hurting since I bought the gimmick
    About something called love
    Yeah, something called love
    Well, that’s like hypnotising chickens

    Well, I’m just a modern guy
    Of course, I’ve had it in the ear before
    ‘Cause of a lust for life
    ‘Cause of a lust for life

    I’m worth a million in prizes
    With my torture film
    Drive a G.T.O.
    Wear a uniform
    All on government loan

    I’m worth a million in prizes
    Yeah, I’m through with sleeping on the sidewalk
    No more beating my brains
    No more beating my brains
    With the liquor and drugs
    With the liquor and drugs

    Hey man, where’d ya get that lotion?
    Your skin starts itching once you buy the gimmick
    About something called love
    Oh Love, love, love
    Well, that’s like hypnotising chickens.

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